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learning to trust my story

I woke up at 430 this morning…couldn’t sleep.

dang right hip and lower back.  will this pain ever go away?
at first, i was so annoyed.  
it’s not like i can take a nap whenever i’d like.
today is a busy day.  
kids wake up and need breakfast whether i sleep a full night or not.
there may be harsh words spoken before they can even get down the full flight of stairs.
and then the mothering will commence. 
husband leaves early on sunday morning for church…staff gets there way before the rest of us do.
i get myself and the three kiddos fed and ready before the 9 am service.
almost forgot the dog.  he gets walked and fed before we leave.
and, due to my mild ocd issue, the beds are made and the house is straightened before we leave.
trusting that one day i’ll be able to leave a bed un-made and dishes in the sink. amen.
yeah.  i need a full night’s sleep.
me and sleep deprivation aren’t friends at all.
and, everyone that lives with me will bear witness of this truth.
so, it makes sense that i came downstairs overwhelmed by my own bad attitude.
it reminded me of all the other days that my attitude has gotten the best of me.
before i realized it, i was falling downhill fast in my thought life.
no need for me to go into details about all of my bad attitudes, but just trust me, 
i’ve had plenty in the past 7 months.
they come and go and unfortunately, these sweet people that live with me don’t know when they’re coming.  
i’m usually real quick to say “i’m sorry!” and “will you forgive me for my bad attitude?” 
everyone keeps telling me that i’ve got some excuses.
…still adjusting to our move.
…my chronic hip/back pain that really just never leaves for good.
…mothering all day everyday from sun-up til sun-down.
but, i just don’t buy into the excuses. 
i’m really tired of some of the bad habits i’ve let myself give over to. 
pain or no pain.  move or no move.  mothering or not.
sharp tones.  impatience.  anger.  frustration at the smallest things.  i’m telling you, bad attitude.
some of us are really good at accepting grace…we can very easily wrap our minds around his gift.
others of us really struggle with accepting that there is nothing we can do to justify our place with him.
i’m sad to say that i typically fall into the latter category.
my first inclination is to feel completely responsible for my own sanctification…my own holiness.
is it just me?  oh, i need someone to say they understand this struggle with grace that my flesh battles.
no need to psycho-analyze me. 
i know exactly why i struggle the way i do. 
it’s the parts of my story that i’ve spent most of my life wishing i could re-write.
after all these years telling my story, i still cry at those parts.
for a long time i convinced myself it was because i was so grateful for his rescue and freedom.
and that certainly is some of the the “why” behind my tears.
but, over this past year, i’ve had to confess that the most sure reason i still cry is because
i just want those painful parts re-written.

he’s teaching me to thankful for my story.
he’s showing me that i see him more clearly in those broken places.
he’s showing me my need to be grateful for all of it.  every single part of my story.
i’m learning to go a little easier on myself.
to trust in his work in me, even on those days when my bad attitude seems to reign supreme..

it’s in the broken places in our lives that we can see Him more clearly. it’s true.
we depend on him more because we fully recognize how much we need him.

so, to bring this novel full circle, the severe pain that woke me up this morning…that wakes me up most mornings…is actually drawing me to him.

the parts of my story that i used to beg him to re-write are the parts that make me love him more now.
it’s those places in my life that keep my eyes fixed on him.

is it weird to say i’m finally thankful for the messy parts of my life?  this is a game changer!

enjoy one of my favorites from kari jobe!

if you haven’t entered to win the “You are my Sunshine” sign, you can go HERE to enter.

Miranda - I love Ann's book. It's just amazing. I'm reading it for the second time right now. It's for sure the most life changing book I've read.

GLENDA CHILDERS - I am reading a book right now that you might love (I have read it many times.) It is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Jerry Sittzer. And of course, I have to read and Grace for the Good Girl … to let it sink in some more. (which I won on your sweet blog.)

Thanks for sharing your processing here.


ps. I double dog dare you to leave ONE bed unmade tomorrow.

Lemonade Makin' Mama - I think I have the same lower back pain some days and I think God does it to get my sorry hiney out of bed and spend time with HIM too… I hate that I need that sometimes but man… I need something or I'd never drag myself out that early. I'm so sorry you're still having the pain… any relief from going GF? Been thinking about you and hoping you're finding some help that way…
Much love,

paige - oh my gosh, how i love a transparent, let me open my heart & bare everything for you kinda post.
i LOVE your desire to be REAL and to share where you are and what the lord's doing in your heart.
you inspire me & so many!!!

Sarah - I love reading your posts. Every time I get a notification in my inbox, I can't wait to open it up. I swear, you write the things I think but I can't get out of my head and 'on paper' as well as you do, but it's refreshing and comforting at the same time hearing your story. We all have those "mom days" where we're more like crocodiles than gentle loving lambs. Hang in there. Continue to follow and have faith in His plan. Praying for your pain relief!!

Just Jennifer - I love the words to that song, I sing it to my daughter all the time (much to her chagrin). So simple to forget but so easy to know we are loved!

mary katharine - This post resonates with me. I am learning these things too … and I'm thankful that while my head is as hard as a rock, my heart is still soft. God is always good like that. So humbled by His patience with me …
Thank you for this post, Tara. And thank you for the encouragement you pass on to me from time to time:). Praying for you … think of you often, too. You are an inspiration to me!

Claudine from CondensedLoveHome - I read this post 2 days ago and did not leave a note because I did not know what to say…
I avoid thinking of things I would like to change in my life. Just from the top of y head, I can think of a couple BIG things I changed. It took YEARS, and it did not ERASE what went on, but you know… the memories kind of fade away? So in the beginning you think of it everyday, and then after a while (years and years pass)you don't think of it for months! And yes, everything, happy or sad, is part of your story, it shapes who you are. And in me, gives me a deep appreciation for life and the present.
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, Tarah.

LLH Designs - I'm learning to embrace my story more than ever…especially the hard and imperfect parts. I wish we lived closer for lots of reasons, but one is that my husband fixes low backs and hips like nobody's business! I may have to buy one of the cuffs Paige shared.


maggie@septemberrust - Hi Tara, i am a new follower. this post really spoke to me…thank you for sharing your story. sometimes i feel as if i am unworthy and wonder …why should i be so lucky? i am slowly coming to embrace his love and grace and that makes me even more grateful that i serve a loving and forgiving God.

Tracy is ... Loving Pretty Things - oh sweet friend…I totally know what you are talking about! It is so close to home for me. Thank you for sharing your sweet heart and being vulnerable – it is a gift you give each of us who reads your words…!

(lower back/hip pain on the right? I've had the EXACT same pain for the last 2 months…causing me restless nights sleep, I'm so annoyed….)

xoxo – T.

Megan - Well, I have never thought of it that way…you always give me something to consider! You are really good at keeping a eternal perspective. I wish your darn hip / back pain would go away. Do you think the gluten free diet has helped at all? Praying for you today friend, that you get victory over all of the pain.

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